Separation Hurts
Did you know that Henry David Thoreau, the author who lived alone in the woods for two years, wrote about unlearning his dependency on others, and described transcending into harmony with nature at Walden Pond, which was only a mile from his mother’s home…and visited her daily? I found this shocking because his reality contradicted Walden's theme of self-reliance.
Thoreau’s quest for independence from society while retaining closeness to his mother illustrates the in-between-ness of pre-adulthood that we experience as our daughters initiate separation and take a U-turn moments later. It can be confusing and off-putting for a mom. It can feel like disrespect, personal rejection, or abandonment by the family.
This blog is intended to help us moms de-center (step outside of ourselves and hover above, seeing both sides) and consider possible reactions during this painful separation process. We can garner empathy and reason to form more productive reactions when we remember our own seemingly unresolvable tension of longing to reach the horizon while simultaneously keeping a foot ashore.
ADOLESCERE (LATIN): TO GROW UP, TO MATURE
To our young daughters, adulthood is tantalizing, complete with privileges, steady friendships, love, and a complete biological transformation. Our adolescent daughters are physically and psychologically living the unstoppable, painful process of morphing into adults.
Charlotte is an example. She was the once-average girl who used to raise her hand in class without hesitation and donned GAP Kids or Target clothes, just like her friends. She hit an early growth spurt in 5th grade. She became a tall, large-breasted (compared to no-breasted), pimple-specked girl. Against her will, Charlotte was the object of boys’ and girls’ attention, albeit for different reasons, and did not know how to respond. She remained quiet in class, wished on the stars to be “normal,” and lost her place in her world for a little while. At home, Charlotte was sullen one day, rode her bike at the park with friends another day, and spontaneously wanted heart-to-heart talks with her mom at bedtime. She had begun the journey of separation from childhood to adulthood, and for several years, they coexisted.
“NORMAL” ADOLESCENCE
“Normal” adolescent girls cling to soft, fluffy cartoon-character blankets, reminiscent of their baby lovies. “Normal” adolescent girls equipped with abstract logical thinking, a new cognitive superpower, generate plans to reduce contamination in the local river, forget they have tests, and desire their fathers’ approval. “Normal” adolescent girls entering traditional public high schools pick ROTC, a professional track, or a trade track that informs their elective course selection for four years. Endless future options wither; they no longer want to be a pilot, hair stylist, and a professional tennis player in one lifetime. “Normal” adolescent girls sleep through one day and stay up all night another, trying to establish internal regulators instead of depending on parents to be their external time keepers. Judith Viorst in Necessary Losses stated, “A normal adolescent isn’t a normal adolescent if [she] acts normal.”
Caveat: if you are concerned about extreme or persistent changes in your daughter’s mood, sleep, weight, academic, or relational functioning, please seek professional help.
This prolonged period of separation from childhood causes intense grief for daughters and moms. Teens strive to take our mothering jobs and do things in their own way. We shouldn’t shame or guilt them for making us obsolete. That’s the point, after all, to mature into responsible, self-sustaining women.
WHAT TO EXPECT
This process will look different for each of our daughters depending on their individual characteristics, cultural and generational influences, and how we as moms respond to the natural progression. Knowing this separation is normal doesn’t make it hurt any less or easier to navigate when it happens to you. There’s also no portrait for what this looks like or a timeline… unless you find comfort in the broad range of some time between ages 10-25!
Like the mom in our podcast episode this week, you may notice separation begins subtly, around age 10 or 11, when your daughter rejects things the two of you liked or shared. Losing ways to connect is sad. Other moms reported these sentiments:
“My daughter is pushing me away.”
“She changed overnight - what she wears, what she listens to, who she hangs out with. It’s like I don’t know her anymore.”
“My daughter fights spending time with the family.”
“Is my little girl hiding in there somewhere…will I ever see her again?”
“She bites back at everything I say. We’re constantly fighting. I’m ready for her to turn 18 and go.”
HOW TO RECONNECT
Acknowledge the challenges in connecting with your daughter and ask for her ideas. Even if she does not have an idea immediately, seeking her input communicates that you value her.
Give her a heads-up about family activities and plans. Invite her input when possible: “I’m planning family lunch with Nana this weekend. Do you prefer Saturday or Sunday?” As our daughters begin to manage their time for academics and make social plans independently from the family, this shows respect for their time and autonomy.
Prioritize and communicate in advance what is non-negotiable and what is optional. “This weekend is your sister’s orchestra concert, and I know it’s not your favorite thing, but we are going as a family.” “The new neighbors are coming over for coffee. I expect you to meet them, but you do not have to stick around.”
Send her brief messages on her preferred messaging platform. “I love you and appreciate your smile this morning.” If you do not know how to use her favorite app, ask her to teach you.
When you’re driving with your daughter, make the car a no-phone zone. While you may have resistance at first, wait; if chatter doesn’t naturally emerge, ask an open-ended question. “What did you find funny today?” “What are you looking forward to this week?”
Stretch yourself to join your daughter in her preferred pleasure activity, even if you are uncomfortable or anticipate not enjoying it. Try a plyometric workout with your athlete, knitting with your craft lover, or rock climbing with your adventurer. At a minimum, sit with her and give your full attention to what she is doing.
Withhold judgmental, reactive, critical comments and absolute language, such as “never” and “always.”
Practice active listening, which means you focus on understanding your daughter, not communicating to benefit yourself. Withhold giving unsolicited advice or problem-solving for your daughter. Ask, “Do you want to be heard or do you want help?”
Listen to Episode 019: Growing Apart to Grow Up, in which Dr. Vince Culotta, Dr. Lisa Rice, and Dr. Margaux Brown discuss moms who have experienced pulling away, why it occurs, and ways to respond.
