The Problem with Perfectionism
I remember driving to pick up my daughter from school. I was late. Again. I began the process of what my brother calls “the old self beat.” I started judging myself for not managing my time well, for not planning, and for giving my daughter and the school the impression that I did not have my act together. In short, I was trying to be the perfect mother – and by doing this, I was hurting myself. Additionally, I believe I was giving my daughter the message that it is our job as women to strive for perfection.
Perfectionism is a personality trait or mindset characterized by a person’s desire to achieve flawlessness and set extremely high standards for themselves. It involves striving for perfection in one’s actions, work, or appearance. It often includes a strong fear of making mistakes or being judged as inadequate. While aiming for high standards can be motivating, perfectionism typically involves unrealistic expectations and self-criticism when those expectations aren’t met. This can lead to stress, anxiety, procrastination, and difficulty accepting imperfections in oneself or others.
One of the most significant dangers of perfectionism is its tendency to foster chronic stress and anxiety. Perfectionists set impossibly high standards for themselves and often fear making mistakes or being judged as inadequate. This fear creates a constant pressure to perform perfectly, which can be mentally exhausting. Rather than feeling motivated, perfectionists may become paralyzed by the fear of failure or imperfection, leading to procrastination or avoidance. The stress of trying to meet unattainable goals can also contribute to anxiety disorders, burnout, and even depression. Does this sound like you? I hope not. It does sound like me. I am trying to let these thoughts go!
There are many causes for perfectionism, but the one that resonates with me the most is the idea of internalized criticism. Internalized criticism happens when external judgments, negative messages, or critical voices – whether from parents, teachers, peers, or society – are absorbed and accepted as part of one’s own inner dialogue. Instead of hearing criticism as something external, a person begins to critique themselves harshly from within.
For example, a girl who is frequently told she’s “not good enough” may grow up with a persistent inner voice saying, “I’m not enough,” or “I must do better.” Over time, this internal voice becomes automatic and can be difficult to silence. A mom may notice self-depricating talk or overly harsh self-criticism for normal learning “failures.” Sometimes daughters stop trying new things out of fear or participating in something if they are not “the best.” The internalized belief of “I’m not good enough” may be evident in times and places completely unrelated to an outcome. It may surface in an argument with you, or you may think she’s being overly sensitive in a conversation. Here’s what you can do to tune in.
What To Do More:
1. Recognize and Acknowledge Perfectionism
Start by noticing when you’re being overly critical or setting unrealistic standards.
2. Set Realistic, Flexible Goals
Instead of aiming for “perfect,” aim for “good enough” or progress.
Break big tasks into smaller, manageable steps and celebrate completing each one.
3. Challenge Your Inner Critic
When perfectionist thoughts arise (“I must do this flawlessly”), ask yourself:
Is this realistic?
What’s the worst that can happen if it’s not perfect?
Would I say this to a friend?
Practice replacing harsh thoughts with kinder, more balanced ones.
4. Practice Self-Compassion
Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you’d offer others.
Accept that mistakes and imperfections are natural and part of learning.
5. Limit Comparisons
Try to reduce time spent comparing yourself to others, especially on social media.
Remember, people usually show their best side, not their struggles.
6. Embrace Mistakes as Learning Opportunities
Reframe mistakes as valuable feedback rather than failures.
Reflect on what you can learn rather than criticizing yourself.
7. Set Boundaries and Prioritize
Recognize that you can’t do everything perfectly all the time.
Focus your energy on what truly matters to you.
8. Seek Support
Talk to trusted friends, mentors, or therapists who can help you gain perspective.
Therapy (especially CBT) can be very effective in managing perfectionism.
9. Practice Mindfulness and Relaxation
Mindfulness helps you stay present instead of caught up in worries about imperfection.
Relaxation techniques reduce anxiety that fuels perfectionism.
Listen to Episode 018: Am I a Good Mom for a discussion of motherhood and how many of us have unrealistic expectations for our role.
