Why Endings Are So Hard — And How We Deal With Them
Endings are everywhere in life. Whether it’s the last session with a therapist, the end of a relationship, leaving a job, finishing school, or watching your child head off to college—termination, as psychologists call it, is something we all go through. But even when we know an ending is coming (even if it’s a good thing), it can still hit us unexpectedly.
In psychology, "termination" isn't just about things stopping—it’s about transition. It’s a moment that often stirs up complicated emotions. Some people feel relief, others feel sadness, anxiety, or a sense of loss. Why does this happen? Part of the answer lies in our attachment styles—how we’ve learned to connect with others. If you have a secure attachment, you might be more comfortable letting go. But for many, especially those with anxious or avoidant tendencies, endings can bring up old fears of abandonment or instability.
Take therapy, for example. The final sessions between a client and therapist can feel like saying goodbye to a deeply trusted friend or mentor. A lot of people worry: “Will I be okay without this support?” That’s why therapists spend time preparing for termination—it’s not just a goodbye, but a chance to reflect on progress and build confidence in what comes next.
The same emotional rollercoaster happens in other relationships. Whether it’s a breakup, divorce, or losing a friend, there's usually more going on than just moving on. You're saying goodbye to routines, shared experiences, and sometimes even part of your identity. You might go through the stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and eventually, acceptance (as Elisabeth Kubler Ross details). But how you experience that depends on so many factors: who ended it, why it ended, and what kind of support system you have.
One group of people who often feel endings deeply—though we don’t always talk about it—are mothers. Parenting is full of milestones, and each one can feel like a tiny (or massive) goodbye. The first day of school. The last bedtime story. Watching your child leave for college or move out. That “empty nest” feeling is real. For many moms, these transitions bring pride and excitement—but also sadness, uncertainty, and even a loss of identity. Some mothers cope by reconnecting with their careers, taking up new hobbies, or even returning to school. Others focus on building stronger adult relationships with their children, which can be deeply rewarding.
How People Cope — In Healthy and Unhealthy Ways
So how do people cope with endings? There are a variety of strategies—some healthy and empowering, others more destructive.
Here are some common unhealthy coping mechanisms people fall into.
Emotional suppression: Pretending you're fine, bottling everything up, or keeping busy to avoid the pain might offer short-term relief, but it often leads to burnout, anxiety, or emotional disconnection later.
Rebound relationships: Jumping immediately into a new relationship to distract from heartbreak can delay real healing and lead to further emotional complications.
Excessive alcohol or substance use: Using alcohol, food, or drugs to numb emotional pain is a common—but dangerous—escape that can easily lead to dependency or health issues. Sometimes, even exercise can be used to numb the pain.
Revenge behavior: Lashing out, trying to “get even,” or obsessively monitoring an ex-partner or friend’s life online may feel satisfying in the moment, but typically intensifies pain and prolongs healing.
Isolation: Withdrawing completely and refusing support from others may feel like protection, but it often deepens feelings of loneliness and helplessness.
Sometimes our ways to responding to others are unconscious- they are defense mechanisms. Defense mechanisms are unconscious psychological strategies that people use to protect themselves from anxiety, internal conflicts, or uncomfortable emotions. Defense mechanisms can be seen by others- even if we do not see how we are reacting. Common types include denial, where a person refuses to accept reality; repression, which involves unconsciously blocking painful thoughts from awareness; and projection, where individuals attribute their own unacceptable feelings to others. Other mechanisms include rationalization, where someone justifies irrational behavior with logical-sounding reasons, and displacement, in which emotions are redirected from the original source to a safer target. Be on the lookout for behaviors that suggest a person is unconsciously acting out feelings. If that person is you, take a minute to see if your behaviors match your feelings and try to ask yourself…. Why did I do that? What could have prompted me to act that way. If the person defending is NOT you, first realize that the behavior is masking some unprocessed feelings and try to create a safe space for the individual to think about their feelings. With kids I sometimes say, “Seems like your strong feelings are more intense than what is happening right now. Is there something else that is bothering you?”
Here are healthy examples of ways to process the feelings of termination:
Journaling or therapy: Writing down your thoughts can help you process emotions. Some people start therapy after a major ending to make sense of what just happened.
Creating a ritual: Whether it’s a farewell dinner, burning old letters, or taking a solo trip, rituals give endings structure and meaning.
Filling the space with something new: A newly single person might take up hiking, join a dance class, or travel. It’s not about replacing what’s lost—it’s about reclaiming your sense of self.
Leaning into community: Support groups, group chats with friends, or simply regular coffee dates can provide connection when life feels uncertain.
Practicing mindfulness: Some people turn to meditation or spiritual practices to stay grounded during emotional transitions.
Setting goals: After job loss or retirement, setting small, manageable goals—like volunteering, learning a new skill, or launching a side project—can create purpose and momentum.
Yes, endings can be painful. But they’re also powerful. They signal that something is shifting—and while that can be scary, it’s also full of possibility. If you're going through an ending right now—whether it’s a goodbye, a transition, or a new beginning—know that it’s okay to feel a mix of emotions. That’s part of being human. And with time, endings often become the start of something new.
Listen to Episode 023: How to End Things Well, in which Dr. Lisa Rice and Dr. Margaux Brown discuss the importance of ending activities and relationships in a healthy way.
