From Criticism to Connection
I have worked in teacher education for over 20 years. My colleagues and I specialize in helping teachers work with children and adolescents with behavioral challenges. I have been spit upon, yelled at, hit, and undermined. It's a tough job - one of the toughest - and I shout out all the teachers who are out there every day, believing in students and helping them reach their full potential.
One of the most important things I have learned over the years is that humans have a phenomenon known as a “negativity bias.” This means that to survive throughout the ages, we have developed a sharper sense of perceiving danger. We are attuned to what is going wrong, what is potentially dangerous, and what we can complain about. This is real.
Examine your thoughts over the past week. How many times have you thought about negative things? How many times have you thought about positive things? If you're like me, you've allowed negative thoughts and criticism to flow through you more often than you've allowed gratitude and positive self-talk to take hold. We can't beat ourselves up for thinking negatively because, as humans, we are programmed to do this. However, this pattern can be destructive to our relationships.
One of the most important things we can do as caring adults and parents, in addition to having clear rules, is to recognize the strengths and the good in our children and then communicate that to them. In the teaching field, researchers have suggested that we should make at least four positive comments for every one negative comment or correction. Wow. Just try to do that. It is complicated!
What makes this even more challenging is that the positive comments must describe the positive thoughts or behaviors and be authentic. Kids hate insincere praise, and they can tell when it is. To put this 4:1 ratio into practice, I suggest that the adult shift their mindset to see and name the good things first in our kids. Before you say anything to your daughter, stop and think… Is this positive? Is this helping long-term growth? Do I want to say it, or does she need to hear it?
This is not to say that we should not have high expectations. We should. But the way we help our adolescent daughters grow and develop is to first acknowledge who they are and their uniquenesses. We have to create a climate of acceptance. This sounds like, “You worked really hard on that assignment. You did not give up when it was a pain. How can you make this even better and easier the next time?”
So, why do we judge and criticize in the first place? Most of the time, you hear people say that we criticize because we want to help people improve, get better, or reach their potential. But does criticism motivate people? What about that old saying, “You catch more flies with honey rather than vinegar”? There is some research suggesting that the perception of parental criticism can lead to feelings of low self-worth, rumination, and criticism.
However, a parent’s criticism is not just any adult’s criticism. It carries so much more power than that of a coach or teacher. As Margaux explains in the podcast, attachment and attunement between parents and children affect the identity of the child. They are looking for our reactions and internalize much of what they interpret from us. So, we need to be careful about trying to motivate our children with criticism. Think of one or two things to share if you must. Then say, “I have one or two ideas to share. Would you like feedback? Is now a good time?” Then, keep it short.
What To Do More:
Consider building a climate of positivity where you comment on the good you see on a regular basis.
Change the general, “I am proud of you,” to the more specific. Try, “I am proud of how hard you worked, how you demonstrated self-control, how generous you were with your time.”
Take a moment to reflect right before you react to something your daughter has said or done to consider the “negativity bias” we all have.
What To Do Less:
Don’t try to help your daughter by giving her advice when she did not ask for it.
Don’t ignore the good because it is “expected” that she knows what’s good.
Don’t focus on how to improve your daughter because you wish someone had told you how to improve.
Listen to Episode 015: Ugh, My Mom Hates My Outfit for more ideas about criticism and the mother-daughter relationship. Join our conversation exploring criticism and breaking the cycle of judgment.
