A Mom’s Guide to Preparing for High School
What Girls Are Saying
“I am going to miss my friends. I wonder if I will make new ones.”
“It’s such a big building. What if I get lost and am late to class?”
“I wonder if anyone will like me [romantically].”
“I’m excited to have more classes and clubs to pick from.”
“I’m going to miss saying, “Hi!” and knowing everybody in the halls.”
“I really hope my teachers are nice and that they like me.”
“Where will I sit at lunch?”
“I’m ready to have some new friends.”
“I’m worried older kids will make fun of me.”
“I’m ready to be challenged more.”
“I worried about juggling more homework and responsibilities, and classes now count for college.”
“What if I need something? Who will I ask?”
“I’m looking forward to finally going to school with __ from my team.”
Our Babies Are Growing Up!
The examples highlight the ambivalence - having multiple or contradicting feelings at the same time - that girls may feel as they prepare to begin 9th grade. Excitement, anticipation, longing, and hope coexist with worry, self-doubt, and loss. It was just yesterday when you were expecting your bundle, probably having similar mixed emotions of anticipation, joy, anxiety, and fear. Now, she’s about to begin the first year of the last chapter of her childhood!
During these years, she’s going to increase her reliance on friends’ opinions over yours. She will spend more time away from home, more time studying, and more time alone. She will continue to experience estrogen, testosterone, and progesterone fluctuations (on average, girls’ puberty spans ages 11-16) that slingshot her moods, and she will experience extreme embarrassment or anxiety greater than what you (an adult) think the situation warrants. She will be learning how to self-regulate intense emotional states while still in the safe harbour of home. This is hard on daughters and parents alike! Stay the course, stay steady, be observant.
It may be helpful to think about some developmental experiences that span the high school years, but let’s not get too far ahead. First, she has to start high school! Read on for steps to take in the spring and summer after 8th grade to facilitate your daughter’s adjustment to high school. A few “what-not-to-dos” are included.
What To Do
1. Visit the school.
Take advantage of as many opportunities as possible to see the school, meet teachers and staff, and become familiar with the building through organized orientations or your own initiative. Ask your daughter to identify a caring adult whom she will seek out for help. Each exposure to something new reduces the number of “new” stimuli on the first day of school. Your daughter will be one step closer to mastering her new environment with each exposure, thereby reducing anxiety.
2. Be a good listener.
Don’t pry or ask; be available and present, and continue the normal family routines. Those neutral, mundane moments (like riding in the car or doing dinner dishes) may just be when your daughter breathes more deeply and opens up to you. Simply restating or paraphrasing what she shares relays that you comprehend her experience.
3. Provide genuine support and convey an understanding of her concerns.
Do not rescue her from the struggle. Allow her to scale up her ability to manage more responsibilities more independently. This is her last practice at the training track before the marathon of adulthood.
4. Support summer reading.
Encourage your daughter to read books, magazines, or online content; it does not matter what the material is. Summer reading can make going back to school less jarring and help reduce the “summer slip” of skills.
5. Openly discuss her and your expectations.
Explore your daughter’s expectations of herself and what she thinks you expect of her. Talk about your expectations for academics, socializing, health, and school-life balance. It’s amazing what our daughters think we think! Dismantle any unrealistic expectations. A dip in academic performance is normal during an adjustment phase. See what ideas she generates for seeking help at school.
6. Practice new before-and-after- school routines.
Rehearse wake-up times, morning preparations, and school arrival/dismissal routines. Practice these different segments of the school day several times before the first day. Remember, the more she physically or mentally practices, the less stressed she will be at the start of the year. Simply talking through future steps is a mental rehearsal and beneficial.
7. Plan for school involvement.
At orientation or at the start of the year, the school will likely hold a fair or event to introduce new students to the clubs and teams available. Identify a a couple of groups that she daughter is interested in joining early in the year. Feeling a sense of belonging at school is a protective factor for adjusting and thriving in a new school, especially for girls who consider themselves diverse. Look for environments that are inclusive and promote caring, positive connections with adults and peers.
What Not To Do
1. Invalidate.
Dismissive comments, such as “It’s all in your head,” “Everyone is in the same boat,” or “You’ll be fine,” signal to your daughter that her thoughts and feelings are not real, special, or worthy of your attention. This erodes trust, and she may be less inclined to share fears or struggles with you in the future.
2. Belittle.
Comments that insult her character, abilities, or trivialize her experiences can lead to her feeling inadequate. Examples are, “I don’t think you’ll do well in that class/on that team,” “You can figure it out, only needy kids ask for help,” or “You’re being so dramatic.”
3. Provide a solution.
While well-intended and often a result of your own discomfort, offering a solution signals that you don’t think your daughter can come up with one herself. It takes away her opportunity to exhibit agency and control in the situation. The solution may also be irrelevant or not tailored to your daughter’s specific needs, which could signal to her that you don’t understand her and her world.
First-day Jitters That Don’t Go Away
If the first-day jitters continue for 6-8 weeks, become more intense, or bleed into another area of your daughter’s life that is unrelated to adjusting to high school, seek help. Here are some signs:
Begins to fear or avoid school
Starts to show signs of depression such as irritability, low energy, withdrawal, changes in sleep, and low mood
Panic attacks
Increased risk-taking behaviors such as substance use, skipping school, or sneaking out
Physical symptoms such as headaches, nausea, shaking, sweating, and muscle tension
Anxiety that may take the form of feeling like her stress is out of her control or a persistent fear that something bad is going to happen
Don’t wait until the end of the first grading period to advocate for your daughter, or wait and see if she self-advocates, if you know she is struggling and stuck. Her existing coping mechanisms are not enough for this transition; earlier intervention may mean less is needed. Ninth grade is the year when retention is hardest and the time when kids are most likely to fall off track. Some state-specific studies have reported that anywhere from 10% to 25% of ninth graders don’t return for tenth grade or are not promoted. Don’t wait for your child to self-advocate; speak with teachers directly if you are concerned.
Listen to Episode 014 - The Big Leap: Middle School to High School for our conversation about helping our daughters make the leap forward while moms take steps back or a little to the side.
